chocolate is a verb

colors, flavors, whims and other growing things

Monthly Archives: June 2013

unveil…

creativity…

being an ordinary girl…

jik at 2 jik at 3It must have been hard for my mother, looking at me and seeing herself, a little curly-headed, snaggle-toothed animal. Realizing with a shock that everything in her life was different, and would always be different. That she was not, could not be, the laughing, carefree ingénue. That she had new names now: Mrs., mother. That there, on the reverse side of glamour and romance waited diapers and dishes and dust.

Confronted with all this, with a child who embodied her disappointment, she wanted only that I should be the perfect girl, the neat, quiet girl without needs: an accessory that might be admired like a new coat, sent to the cleaners, traded up for a new model now and then. But I was never that child, not from the beginning, when, she told me, I was “always hungry,” not when my silky wisps of hair turned into snarling curls like her own, not later, changeling, changing, uncertain.

Yet for a little while, a year, surely not by any doing of her own, or mine, I was able, almost, to look like that girl, my curls unfurling, hair comb-able and straight.

But of course her wounds were deeper and had nothing to do with my hair. Her mother’s friends accused her of doing something diabolical to my curls and her unhappiness grew larger in front of her eyes until she became truly ill and the doctor sent her away, to rest, to heal.

My curls came back, with a vengeance. What happened to me, I wonder, in that lost year of being an ordinary girl?

you feel like…

to drive…

outside…